Newsletter #128
On Infertility
It turns out that debriefing and catching up following a week in Tampa for my denomination's annual convention has been much more time-consuming than preparing for the meeting itself! Thus, today I will simply share the 7 key propositions from my seminar on infertility. Keep your eyes open for a fuller version of the entire seminar manuscript at a later date.
Understanding and Responding to Infertility (Key Claims and Exhortations)
Proposition #1: Procreation is a joyful invitation, not a legalistic mandate.
There’s general agreement that the Hebrew of “Be fruitful and multiply” in Genesis 1-2 is best understood not as a command, but an invitation. This is also the best way to account for the same words appearing after the Fall when childbearing is under the curse. Remember: all biological processes would have been impacted (in different ways) due to the curse. Yet God plainly tells (invites) humankind “to be fruitful and multiply” in Genesis 9. Not only will Eve have pain in labor, but some of Adam and Eve’s sons and daughters will have difficulty conceiving.
Proposition #2: This subject is pressing because infertility is likely to become more common.
Prolonging marriage and family formation beyond the “biologically optimal” years will make conception more difficult, even if technical-medical interventions continue to be available. No intervention comes with guarantees (for multiple reasons).
Proposition #3: Ethical issues and motives must be fully vetted before pursuing interventions.
Serious choices are often hijacked by our emotions, which pull us into things before we understand all they entail. We’ve all found ourselves in an emotionally addled state before. And while we know that this isn’t the proper frame of mind for making big decisions, prolonged emotional distress over infertility often accompanies couples who choose one intervention or another.
Moreover, it’s important for couples to often return to core principles and questions. Why are we doing what we’re doing? What do we think God would have us to do? What are our trusted counselors telling us? What Scriptural principles need to be shaping our deliberations and decisions?
Proposition #4: Couples process infertility differently but they must agree in the Lord on big choices.
Not surprisingly, spouses respond differently to infertility. While some emotional responses are more or less healthy, there isn’t always one correct way to cope with it. Couples shouldn’t punish each other for responding in different ways. They should seek to understand their spouse’s unique way of processing the situation (within biblical limits, of course).
When they finally start to tell people what they’re dealing with, and when they decide how to proceed, being on the same page is most important. Otherwise, differences will turn into friction and resentment.
Proposition #5: Adoption isn’t a remedy for infertility; it’s a remedy for orphanhood.
Adoption isn’t always the right choice for childless couples, though many will choose to adopt. (It’s not surprising that God uses instances of infertility to open the hearts and minds of couples to the possibility.) However, children aren’t answers to our sadness! We shouldn’t make them a means to our emotional ends.
Proposition #6: More toughness and sensitivity would help us mightily.
We need the capacity and maturity to bring burdens into the open and steward people’s stories responsibly. In other words, we want an environment where people feel they can share what they’re going through. But we’re going to have to cultivate one in which others do not bandy around other people’s stories and misfortunes as idle gossip.
Strugglers must have thick skin and tender hearts. They will have to be patient with the ignorant (lit. “unthinking” or “uninformed”) things people say or ask. We’re all ignorant about something!
They must also beware of holding others to unrealistic standards. “You can’t possibly understand what I’m going through!” Five minutes passes. “Shame on you for not understanding what I’m going through!” Which is it? Should people always understand? How could they if they’re incapable of it? Beware of false ideas about empathy!
Conversely, people alongside strugglers need to have tenderness as they primarily listen and learn. They should try to include their childless friends in their life. After all, they’re our family in Christ. Additionally, when we can support them financially and in good conscience, we should. This becomes especially relevant when it comes to things like adoption.
Proposition #7: The Church must tell the whole story when it comes to infertility.
We need to insist on what the Bible clearly teaches:
1-Procreation is a blessing (and normal), even in a fallen world.
2-Spiritual offspring must be our primary goal as a church.
Remember that actual church growth has nothing to do with the number of babies in the Nursery. They may be attendees, but they’re not converts yet. They’re not members. Our churches and the Kingdom grow by spiritual birth.
3-Infertility is a reminder of the curse of sin, yet also a sign of a different kind of spiritual future.
Matthew Anderson reminds us that churches need the positive witness of childless couples. Childless couples remind those with children that their children were given, not made or had.
Childless couples remind us that creation is groaning, and infertility is simply another, painful sign of the curse Jesus is freeing us from.
Childless couples who are embedded within the life of the body also remind us that Jesus has brought all of us, children or not, into a spiritual family in which we all matter.
Childless couples point to a future in which there will be no marriage nor childbearing.
4-People need to find ways to tell their stories in all their garbage, grace, and glory.
After all, this is what it means to testify to the goodness of God.
Quotes of the Week:
They say DEI is a good thing then get mad when you call someone a DEI hire.
Make it make sense.
But the most intense partisans don’t want inconvenient facts to matter, they want narratives...
We’re watching something similar play out on a huge scale right now. Washington is like a massive construction site for narrative formation. Prior to the debate, left-leaning pundits and reporters routinely condemned or dismissed suggestions that Biden was meaningfully infirm as an outrageous smear. Videos showing him dazed and confused were written off as “cheap fakes.” After the debate, however, the praetorian press scrambled hither and yon in different directions, some doing great work, some covering their own posteriors, and some confused about which narrative controlled that day.
When Biden was adamant that he would stay on the ticket, many claimed that Kamala Harris was a flawed candidate, others redoubled their aggressive coverage, and still others waited to see what color smoke would emerge from Nancy Pelosi’s office. Now that he’s passed the nomination to Harris, he’s a heroic modern-day George Washington and she’s a superstar. And, now, the people who scoffed at the idea that Biden was too old to run for president are delighted to argue that Trump is too old to run for president.
Jonah Goldberg, “The Media Are Not Instruments of the Parties.”
Our relationship to snow reflects the drama of our relationship to the modern world as in a crystal ball. The driving cultural force of that form of life we call “modern” is the idea, the hope and desire, that we can make the world controllable. Yet it is only in encountering the uncontrollable that we really experience the world. Only then do we feel touched, moved, alive. A world that is fully known, in which everything has been planned and mastered, would be a dead world.
Harmut Rosa, The Uncontrollability of the World.
Currently Reading:
James Davison Hunter, Democracy and Solidarity: On the Cultural Roots of America’s Political Crisis.
Harmut Rosa, The Uncontrollability of the World.
Resource:
You can purchase the latest edition of the D6 Southwestern Family Ministry Journal by clicking here. You can even purchase an individual article, including my latest on infertility.
Parting Shot:
Finally, in my hands….
Get your copy here today.
See you next week with more reflections from the 2024 FWB National Convention, and more!
